I woke up today and have been thinking alot about this, and here is everything I thought.

If you're scared of the future, we can work through it. There is no problem that we can't work on and get through. Because we love each other, and love endures all. And I don't mean that television love, where the only indication two people are in love is that they kiss, hug, cuddle, and tell each other "I Love You". No, I mean the real deal love. The love where you know each other better than anyone else. The love where even when you wake up and see the one you love in their morning hair and breath, but you've still never seen anyone more beautiful than this person in your life, and you cannot control yourself but to kiss them. The love where yes, there are arguments and fights, but where you always work them out, because you cannot imagine your life without this person. The love where your life is not just your life anymore, it's "our life". The real. Absolute. True. Love.

Alexa, I cannot imagine what my life will or would be like without you. I cannot fathom it. All I know is that what we have is the real deal. I'm reminded of it everytime I look into your gorgeous blue eyes. Everytime I feel your hand on mine. Everytime I feel your lips pressed again mine. Everytime I have my arms around you, and your's around me. Everytime I hear your voice. I cannot imagine my life without that soft, adorable voice. Without those bright blue eyes. WIthout that curly brown hair. Without the silly, and somewhat twisted sense of humor we share. We are "pretty much made for each other."

I dreamt last night of you, about finally talking to you after the ordeal on friday. How much I felt better just hearing your voice, and I cannot wait to hear it for real. You know more than anyone, I'm not religious, I'm not religious at all. However, for the past two nights I have prayed to anyone who could be listening, hoping that things will turn out how I hope and how I think they will. We cannot lose this. We can't throw away 10 months and counting all the way up to a lifetime.

My family loves you, my mom, my grandmother, my grandfather, and my father. We all love you, they know how much I love you. There is no doubt in my mind that my friends will love you too. And your family loves me, even your demonic little sister. All of your friends approve and like me, and I'm sure Justin would as well. All I know is that our lives are not complete without each other. There's this hole, this part of my heart that was empty before I met you. However, since I first met you, fell in love with you, and started our life together, that space has been filled with the most enjoyable part of my heart. You are the support I've always needed. The hand that's always there to hold me. The voice that's always there to console me. The lips that's always there to kiss me. You are my rock, you are my roots that hold my feet to the ground. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm all of these for you too. Just please, don't throw this away. There is not a thing I would not do to save this relationship, to save us. I would gladly watch Across the Universe and Sweeny Todd everyday for the rest of my life. I would glady move to Iowa, Texas, England, Canada, Arizona, Pittsburgh, wherever. Just to be with you. I know, I just know this is the real deal. Alexa, you know this too.

Judy asked me if her comment about a new girlfriend caused this. I said I don't know, but I doubt it. And that I don't need a new girlfriend, I don't even have a girlfriend. I have a soulmate, I have a lover, I have my other half. You are so much more than just  a "girlfriend". You are my Sally, and I am  your Jack. You are my world, my everything. Think back:

Alexa is:
* My girlfriend
* My lover
* My medieval princess
* My screamo/grindcore/punk/indie/metal chick
* My messy eater (and I wouldn't want her any other way)
* Someone who adores me, despite any of my weird habits
* Someone I adore, no matter what, always
* The girl who'll make me park a mile away and on the other side of the building, and then listen to me moan and complain the entire way...IN THE SNOW!
* My Sally
* My little mouse
* Anti Bike Shop
* The girl I will eventually get tattooed with
* My partner in awesome show attending
* One half of the Dane Cook Couple
* Someone I can spend hours with in Borders
* The girl who I can spend an afternoon with doing nothing, and still be happy, just because I'm with her.
* Devourer of "ICP" Pizzas (although she means IC White)
* The one person I can't bring in Hot Topic and end up leaving without at least one bag

"This boy means more to me than anyone else. He is so much more than my boyfriend – he is my Jack, my Dork (because he’s really dorky), my Marcy (but only on Renaissance Weekend), my Corny McCorn (this should be rather self-explanatory), my everything. He listens to me complain (which I do a lot), wipes away my tears, comes over when I’m sick (and holds me until I fall asleep) and makes me laugh like noone else can. We search for The Green Polyp (or Brain Polyp – depending on the day), make fun of rent-a-cops, and watch out for crazy ear-biters who are at large. He watches musicals and (Michael Moore) documentaries with me even though he doesn’t like them (but secretly likes to make fun of the angry British man) and usually falls asleep. We watch “Scrubs” and I give him tarot card readings. I threaten him with a fork and “Monty” won’t save him, even though I would never actually stab him because I love him, even if he does cheat at “Scene It?” We point out the bad grammar on certain signs, park at the bank, and argue about the size of Gwen Stefani’s chest (or lack thereof). He respects my preference for certain doors, attempts to defend the bikeshop, and accepts the fact that I am a messy eater (and that I am nowhere near perfect). We agree that nobody listens to Tool (sorry if you do) and that he despises any survey that has over thirty questions. According to an online “test,” he only has schizophrenia while I have five different personality disorders (surprising?). We get lost in Cleveland and walk through road construction. He drags me out of Hot Topic so I won’t spend my entire paycheck there (i.e. on Harry Potter stuff) and he knows when I’m about to sing “The Baby Shark Song” by my expression. In fact, he knows what I’m thinking at any given moment. We make Sims and he accidently kills mine and he bought me a stuffed “Get Well Penguin” when I was sick and told me that it would self-destruct if I didn’t get better soon. He doesn’t mind that I make him listen to the same Dane Cook skits over and over and that can talk about Chuck Klosterman books for hours upon hours on end. Overall, we are the strangest, most amazing couple you will ever meet and I wouldn’t want it any other way. (P.S. He loves Keith Buckley and Justin Timberlake). Ku Ku Ka Chu. I love you, Marc. :) ♥"

I promise I will fight to save us, there is nothing I can say that I haven't already. Just please don't do this, think about the past ten months and all the good times we've had. How we've kept each other going in times we thought were hopeless. How we stayed up til the tail end of night just talking. All the shows we've been too. Think about the trip to Pittsburgh. How right everything felt. I've never been happier as I was when I woke up and saw you, and how real everything about this trip and about us felt. I don't know if you've read this or my last entry, but I will read all of this to you when I talk to you. Alexa, I will do anything, absolutely anything to save what we have. Just please, work with me. Look at that ring on your left ring finger, and think about the promise we made. The promise to spend the rest of our lives together, happy and as one. Please, do not end this. This is the best thing we've ever had and will ever have.

I love you, Alexa Rae Gorby.

Every fiber of my being wants to text you, call you, something. You cannot believe how much I truly miss you, how much I don't want this to be the end. I met you 10 months ago, and there was just something about you. I couldn't believe it, you were gorgeous, both in physical beauty, and personality. Over those tens months, we grew to know each other more deeply and and personally than anyone else we knew. Normally, this would have scared me. But I wasn't scared, I was happy that such a wonderful woman was in my life and in my heart. Having you know me in such intimate ways was something I cherished.

A wise girl once said I was her rock, I was the roots that hold your feet to the ground. Honestly, I may have never said it, but I've felt the same way for you. No matter what issues were going on in my life, no matter who hurt me, who walked out on me, the one certain thing I had was that you would be there to make everything, everything better. You would be there and let me know that I am loved, and that love is unconditional. I can honestly tell you that I feel the same way towards you. I will always, forever love you, no matter what. No matter what tattoo you want, no matter what piercing you want, I will always love you.

Everytime I look at you, I can see us ten years from now, twenty years from now. Happy, married, and still as in love as we were when we were 19 and 20. What we have is the real deal, it's the real thing. I know this, you know this. We need to save this, we have to keep this going. I need you and you need me. We're the keystone in each other's lives. You keep me going through all the rough spots and times in my life, and I try and want to be there for all of your's.

We had some rough spots lately, and I am truly sorry. You know what I've gone through, and I handled it in the wrong way. But we worked through them, and I want to work through this too. Every inch of me will do everything I have to, to make this work, I promise you. Why? Because (I've been meaning to tell you), I never thought I would love anyone like I love you. I never thought that I would meet someone I would click so deeply and completely with. The Pittsburgh trip was the perfect example. From saturday morning to sunday night, we spent every hour together. We spent so much money, so much time, so much energy, but we had the time of our lives. And this relationship is the time of my life.

You are the absolute most important person in my life. I do not love anyone more than I love you. From day one, my heart has been completely your's, and I pray to God that your heart is still mine. I want to be there for you when you write something you're unsure of and need someone to run through it. I want to read it, and reaffirm you that you are indeed a great writer, that you have a natural talent. I want to be there every morning and each night, to kiss you and tell you that I love you, and that everything will be alright. Because when morning comes, we'll still have each other. I want to stand at that altar and watch you walk down the aisle in that beautiful dress you still haven't shown me. I want to read those vows we'll write for that exact ocassion. I want to hear you say "I Do.", and I want to say "I Do." to you too. I want to hold your hand while our child is coming into the world. I want to sit next to you, with child in your arms, and kiss you. I want to tell you how much everything we have ever done means to me. But most of all, I want you in my life. I cannot for the life of me imagine my life without you. I honestly hope you see this too, I cannot wait to hear from you monday, and please...please change your mind. You are my world. You are my love. You are my life. You are my heart. You are my everything.


If you want to call me before monday, please do. I want to save this, I want to save us. I love you more than anything else in this world, Alexa Rae Gorby.

"

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am"


" I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing"

"Three words to praise the reached. Those wretched eyes of the drowning man. This timeless lie won't stand. This timeless lie won't stand. Caught in the dream of this midnight stare. These are our past sins, we are the nightmare. When shame and deceit lay too close to me... This was your worse sin, now it's my nightmare."

I don't write here as often as I used, and as often as I'd like. I guess I just don't remember about LJ. Lately, it seems like I'm just always busy, and don't have enough time for everything I want to do, along with everything I have to do. For example, 5 days a weeks are occupied by the lovely places of my employment and education, leaving two whole days to myself. Actually, now that I think about it, that is rather normal, I guess. Most adults work 5 days a week and have two days off. *shrugs* Whatever. I still stand by my comment of not having enough time. Just the past day, I bought Metal Gear Solid 4. Being a longtime fan of the MGS series, the urge to play the game to it's conclusion is overwhelming, sadly, though, there's just not enough time for such an accomplishment to come quickly.

Anyways, that's not the main point of this entry. As one may have been able to guess from the name of this post, this is meant to be a reply to a certain someone's entry I read earlier, when I got home from work. I know, I told you I was going to sleep. However, my head fucking hurts and I turned on the TV and laptop, hoping this pain would fade after a bit.

Quite honestly, I don't think you'll ever even see this, unless I bring it to your attention. It's not surprising though, I so rarely write anything in here, I can't say that I blame you for not checking this often...at all. But I digress. If you couldn't tell by my already knowing of your newest entry, I do check your journal. After all, I like your writing, so I enjoy checking in on what you have to say. Thinking about it, I must have read this newest entry of your's, well, at least four times so far.

I'm sorry, that this won't be as deep or heartfelt as your's, my head hurts and well, I'm tired. I feel as if our relationship changed, for the better, the moment I told you goodnight, kissed you, and closed my eyes. There was a certain comfort knowing you were sleeping there, peacefully, by my side. I don't think there has ever been a better feeling in my life, then waking up during the night, hearing you breathe, and looking over to see you sleeping. A feeling only matched by the emotion I felt as I woke up next to you yesterday (thursday) morning. And that, is something I want to feel every morning I wake up. Even if the only constant in my life is that you'll be there next to me when my eyes open.

I. Love. You.

"You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead, strength in my bones put the words in my head. When they pour out to paper, it's all for you. 'Cause that's what you do. That's what you do."

About a week ago, I had to move from my childhood home, to my grandmother's house. My parents are going through a nasty divorce and my father and I just couldn't afford our house anymore. As much as I hate leaving my home and my beloved pets behind, I do like my room here. It's larger and more comfortable (mostly due to the increased space, I do believe). Overall, the room is just much more cozy than my old room. Add in the fact that we set up wireless internet, so now I don't need cables thrown all about my room just to get online.

Overall this week has been, well, lonely. You see, last monday Alexa left for Florida to visit her friend for a week. No big deal, I thought. It's only a week and she'll be back before I know it. Man, I couldn't have been more wrong. No later than tuesday did I start missing her horribly. After going from seeing someone you love and cherish almost every other day, to not seeing them at all and only talking on the phone...well, it's hard. When it comes down to it, as long as she's having fun with Lyndsy, that's the important part.

I just think it's amazing. As much as you may love someone, you don't realize just exactly how much and how strong that love is until they're away from you. When you're not seeing them everyday (or almost everyday), you just get this flood of feelings over them. You realize how much that person means to you, and how lonely you would be if you didn't have them in your life. Every night before I fall asleep, Alexa has been on my mind, and I count down the days until she's back home. Everyday she's been gone, I realize that I love her more than I did the day before, and cannot wait until she's back home and within my reach again.

[On an semi-related note... I've recently discovered the awesomeness that is the music of Say Anything. After purchasing "...Is a Real Boy" and "In Defense of the Genre", they both have been the only discs in my five disc changer since then. For some reason, Max Bemis' music is ridiculously addictive, and hasn't even begun to grow old on me yet. Check it the fuck out]

"I'm here lying in your bed. babe, remember what you said to me: 'You can be my James Dean, I'll be your sweet queen' "

It's...been a while since I posted anything, well here at least. I fear I've lost the writing style that I've had throughout most of my entries here, but I'm going to try my best. Both on keeping my style, and bringing everything up to date on what exactly is up with my life. Knowing that, this is going to be one huge entry, and if anyone indeed does read this, feel free to skim and skip around.

Since I last entered anything here, I did in fact get Jodi to go out with me. We lasted only a few months, but we did have some good times. Reflecting back on it, the whole relationship was strange, but it happened. The most notable thing was that her grandparents are staunch Christians, and demand that they approve of anyone Jodi wants to date. Well, I was already down three strikes with them without ever meeting them. I'm not Christian and that was basically an express lane to denial in their eyes. We were told that we could be friends, but nothing more. Without thinking of what could happen between her family, we dated secretly for a few months. During that period of time I tried everything I could to gain their approval, hell...I ever went to church (for the first time ever, and the last). The service was followed by lunch, where I dined with many of her family members. When her uncle asked if we were dating, Jodi's grandmother didn't miss a beat in stating we were just friends.

It wasn't long, however, before Jodi told me she didn't want to date me anymore, but be friends. I never fought her on it, and things fell back to the friendship phase of things. Mostly, I believe that she was not over her ex, I mean, even on one of our nights out together, she took me and a friend of her's to her ex's concert at a fair. Of course, I was brought down by the news of our break up, but I kept the chin up, and did what I always do and kept my mood up for the most part (this was after one day at work of...well, anger towards her).

However, that's not the only thing that happened. I mean, c'mon, there's more to life than just relationships, right? Of course. I'm still in ITT in Youngstown for Web Development. Actually I'm in my fourth quarter, so basically I'm halfway through. But these past two semesters have been hell. It didn't take long for me to decide that I fucking LOATHE application coding. I had two programming classes (Intro and Intermediate), the first class didn't set me up for the second at all. As a matter of fact, I barely passed my second programming class. Sadly, that semester caused my GPA to plunge, so now it doesn't reflect my actual high intelligence, and this semester isn't looking to help. That's mostly due to this absolute waste of a class in "Composition II". Let's face it, I'm more than able to write papers, essays, and the like. Oh, and I do not lack in argument skills. When it comes to this class though, it's useless drivel. The teach really doesn't help (that is assuming I did need help working on my writing skils. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect) with it all. For the first hour or so, she'll stand there and read through powerpoint slides and read from the book, then throws us into labs. This forces me to debate an issue I couldn't care less about, which means I have no passion to debate it. Oh well, once I make us the few homework assignments I've missed I'll be fine and grades shall improve (no beatings needed to improve this moral).

Of course, those aren't even the most important change in my life, or the biggest. Before I delve into this revelation, I want to say that normally I don't do what I did. Normally, I chicken out, and back out. In my head, I concoct some believable excuse as to why I can't make it, or follow through on my commitment, mostly due to fear. However, something kept me from falling into old habits. This habit went to rest easily, and without regret. I would have never forgiven myself had I let the worry, nervousness, and fear hold this back.

What is this that I speak of? Well, one dark and stormy night (well, it wasn't dark or stormy actually. Well...dammit, it was night, so it was dark...whatever), I received a random friend invite on MySpace from someone named "Alexa ♥s Boys Who Mosh". I've never seen this girl before, but I usually always approve invites until/unless given reason not to. So as usual, I approved and a little bit later sent a comment thanking her for the invite. End of transaction, I think to myself, because rarely do many things happen after that. Sure, she may say that I'm welcome and thank me in return. You know, the usual friendly-stranger shtick. However, she sends me a message saying "Yeah, you look like you're a pretty interesting person. Am I right? :)"

Now, there were many things I could have said. I could have simply said "Sure.", or "I hope so.". But why do the norm, and most likely expected?  After taking a pause of thought, I came up with what is probably the catalyst for our further communication: "
Sounds like a trick question to me. If I say yes, one could say I think highly of myself. If I say no, I'm either a liar or have no self-esteem. Or...I could just be saying that to make you come to your own conclusion. Vagueness is fun! " Luckily for me, she liked that response, which lead to us messaging back and forth for the rest of the night (until both of us couldn't keep our eyes open any longer). To be frank (no, you cannot be Bob), it was probably the longest conversation I've had with someone who I just "met". Right before we logged off, she tossed out her number to me. Man, I felt accomplished, over the course of a few hours I was able to impress her enough to get her number. After saying that I "may or may not" call her, we went to bed.

Work returned the next day, and while on break I decided to give her a call. Well, she didn't answer, so I left her a message, "Hi, it's Marc...from last night." was how I started it, I don't remember exactly how I followed that up. Honestly, I was kinda disappointed that she didn't answer, but I sucked it up and went back to work. Not long thereafter she texted me saying she was watching a movie and she'll call me later tonight. Feeling relieved, I dragged through the night and awaited a call once I got home. This was another thing that made me nervous, I hate being on the phone usually. In my eyes, I feel like I don't talk enough, I don't keep things interesting enough, too much silence on my part. And after what an impression I made on her the night before, I don't want to let her down tonight. When she finally called, we ended up talking for hours, no awkward silences needed or poking their unwanted heads in our conversation.

Now, I don't remember exactly how this flowed to this particular point, but we eventually talked about hanging out. This is where my little intro to this half of my entry comes in. This exact moment is usually when I bail, I always feel that I'll build myself up and be unable to deliver in person. So instead of diving in head first and taking the risk, I'll avoid the issue and just take what comes my way. However, I said let's do it, made plans, and got her address. Printing out directions, I felt nervous for many reasons. One, I was attracted to her, I didn't want to disappoint, especially if we hit things off and I wanted some sort of a chance of a relationship later one. Secondly, I wasn't familiar with the area of her house, or the directions I had. Unfortunately, they were all I had to go on, so I bit the bullet and carried on.

Over the course of the 30 minute drive, I got lost multiple times en route. I ended up being a half an hour late because of all the detouring I did.  Not exactly what I had hoped for first impressions. Earlier, Alexa had told what kind of car could be in her driveway, and I already knew her last name, and that she had a sister. These seemingly tiny bits of information turned out to be incredibly helpful. As I was cruising down the road, not only did I see the mentioned car, but I saw a girl get out of it in a hoodie with the same last name on it. Bingo! It had to be the place. Upon first meeting her face to face was probably the first and only moment of awkward silence between us. After the usual introductions between the sister and I, we headed to the mall.

Part one of the trip was purely just roaming around the mall, with a final stop at Starbucks before getting something to eat. Little did we know what Starbucks had in mind. She got a Blueberry and Creme with whipped cream, which somehow ended up on her shirt and on the seatbelt in my car. We had to laugh about this on our drive over to Inner Circle Pizza for dinner, one place I had never been too before. It was nice though, the food was good and the atmosphere was pleasant. Throughout dinner, we laughed and talked to get to know each other better. To this day, we consider that our place of sorts.

After we finished dinner, Alexa wanted to head to see her friend at work. Great, I thought, not only am I meeting her face to face today for the first time, I get to meet the best friend. Just relax, is what I told myself, don't try too hard for anything. Looking back on things, I was quiet during this interaction as well, just observing the two of them, listening to how they talk, and the like. It wasn't long until the two of them decided to head to Perkins to meet up with another person. Her friend asked us if we wanted to head to her house while we wait for the fourth, we said sure. Now, Alexa was supposed to give me directions on how to get to her friend's (oh yeah, the name's Tina) house. However, she must have zoned out and was delayed in telling me to make a turn, which ended up in us having to turn around in a Boutique parking lot (we did indeed turn around in that parking lot, despite what Alexa says).

Finally arriving at Tina's, we were told to hang out in the living room while Tina did what she needed to do. Making ourselves comfortable on her couch, I asked her if it was okay if I held her hand (sad, I know. But I did it), she nodded. I'll never forgot how nice and well...happy I was sitting there hand in hand with Alexa until it was time to depart to Perkins. However, there was even more hand holding there. The number of hours we were there astonished me for one main reason. Even though I've talked to Alexa for a while before hand, I had just met her in person for the first time, and I've never seen or talked to Tina or her friend until this day. Yet, the four of us sat at that table in Perkins for hours talking, as if we had known each other for years (well, they all had. But the fact that I felt strangely included was amazing). Like all good things, though, the night came to an end, and I dropped Alexa off at her house, after a wonderful eight straight hours of being out.

I'm sorry, that was probably cluttered and poorly constructed, but I was writing all of that as I remembered it, trying to hit the major points. That's not important though, what is important is the fact that that is how I met Alexa, the single most important person in my life at the moment. Someone I met through the one source I never thought I'd meet someone. It was on November 7th, 2007 that we started dating, a day I won't forget:

Marc: I, uh...have something to ask you.
Alexa: What's up?
Marc: Do you...like strawberrries?
Alexa: No...why?
Marc: Just wondering. That wasn't the real question though.
Alexa: Oh really?
Marc: Nah. What I really wanted to know was...if you liked bananas?
Alexa: ...No.

Eventually of course I came clean, and asked her. We've been dating ever since. As a matter of fact, May 7th, 2008 will be our 6 month anniversary.

Through such an unlikely source for me, I met someone I've fallen so hard for. Someone I can talk to for hours even if there's absolutely nothing in mind to talk about, conversation flows naturally. Someone I look at, and can't help but fall in love all over again. The girl I adore, cherish, and would give my last breath for. Someone who has changed my life so drastically in so many amazing and positive ways.  Someone who, when I look at, I can see every small detail of my (no, our) future. No matter how hard I try, I cannot imagine where I'd be or how my life would be right now, had I not made the leap and met her (nor do I want to imagine it).

She's my concert buddy, cafe buddy, laptop buddy, my lover and soulmate, my world,  the center of my heart, the ray of light in a (hopefully not too) distant future, the person who will get ink with me, someone who can make me smile using only her beautiful smile. When it comes to Alexa, saying I love you is as natural as taking in air. She is what all of my hopeful dreams are composed of. I'm in no way perfect, and neither is she. But I can honestly say, this she is absolutely perfect for me.

If you read this Alexa, I want you to know something. I was sitting here before I wrote this, and I remembered your Journal from earlier. I was curious, I'm not going to lie. And of course I could remember your account name, since it is rather obvious, so I looked it up. Don't be mad or upset that I did that. I read most of what was there, and it made me realize things I haven't realized before. It also made me regret such a simple thing such as sounding pissed when I answered the phone. More importantly, it brought to my attention more of what's happened in your past, things I didn't quite know so much regarding. What you've been through and how you felt. I know you've felt like you've had the perfect man for you before, and that things usually ended with your realizing that these men were not. But I can honestly tell you, that there is no one more perfect than you, in my eyes. Every weird tendency you think you have is absolutely beautiful to me. Others have fucked up and lost probably one of the most genuinely beautiful women treading Earth, and that's their loss. I'm your's, just as much as you're mine. Every little romantic and amazing thought, or fantasy you could want, I will try my absolute damnedest to supply. I love you, Alexa...always, no matter what.

"Premonitions call my name, I once doubted them all when they came. Now I embrace it and I'll never be the same. Those who call me avatar, know not what they're looking for. They just feed their flames with miracles. Just so you know, if you bathe within my light, you diminish your own might. Illusionist in everyone."

     So let's see...today I slept until uh, 10:30-ish, because I was up until like 4:30am or something talking with a pretty amazingly awesome (if she would approve of that description) chick. Gorgeous, intelligent, and delightfully twisted, which is an amazing package, if I do say so myself. Anyways, while I'm sure she wouldn't mind a few paragraphs about her, I'll move on for now.

     After I actually got my lazy ass out of bed, and went through the usual morning ritual, I decided that today would be a nice day for some money, because, ya know....being broke sucks. So I stormed into Wal-Mart with the sole intention of pillaging my check from the office. So without anything exciting actually happening, I ripped my check from the hand of a sacrificed Kenyan warrior...and headed to the bank. There I found out that Wal-Mart decided to be "funny" bastards and put two checks in my envelop. One for $50 and one for my three weeks of work (since I started in the middle of a pay period). So when I ripped open that envelop and say "Fifty Dollars and Seventeen Cents", the pleasant summer air was disturbed by my outburst of "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?", then to my amusement, I took the check out and saw the other, real, check. Ha-fucking-ha, real damn funny Wal-Mart. You're a real goddamn joker.

     So...yeah, anyways...I decided to splurge my new found wealth (well, splurge a little bit at least) at the CD store, because yeah....I'm a music addict.  Ended up leaving with "Pitch Black Progress" by Scar Symmetry and "Road To Bloodshed" by Sanctity. I'd say that Judy is right, Road to Bloodshed owns...

    Okay, I don't feel like writing much more at the moment. So let's explain the title, shall we? Today we got our tests back in class today. I got the only 100% in the whole class, when everyone else averaged on about 40-70%....ON AN OPEN BOOK TEST! How freaking sad is that?

"I wonder through fiction to look for the truth, buried beneath all the lies. And I stood at a distance to feel who you are, hiding myself in your eyes. And hold on, before it's too late, until we leave this behind. Don't fall, just be who you are. It's all that we need in our lives. And the risk that might break you is the one that would save. A life you don't live is still lost, so stand on the edge with me, hold back your fear and see nothing is real til it's gone. And hold on, before it's too late, until we leave this behind. Don't fall, just be who you are. It's all that we need in our lives. So live like you mean it. Love til you feel it. It's all that we need in our lives. So stand on the edge with me, hold back your fear and see, nothing is real til it's gone."

     Ever since monday evening, I wish I could go to sleep and wake up friday. I know, that may seem strange to some of you. After all, tuesday, wednesday, and thursday are my days off, so why would I want to skip them just to end up going back to work? I just want this situation over with, I want to ask her and have that worry off my shoulders. That way I can relax, even if that relaxation is coupled with melancholy on friday. A part of me wants to say that I have a good feeling about this, yet the other half is overwhelmed with worry and nervousness. However, there's nothing I can do to subside those feelings, not for another twenty-eight hours at least...

"You feel the waves as they begin to crash and wash your life away
It strapped you down and made you a slave to the taste
You've messed it up made a mistake and now I think it's time to pay
For all the promises you start to break

[Chorus]
Yeah
In these flames you've burned us alive now
You could've been someone
In these flames you've burned us alive now
Now you've left your impression
I think it's coming back again
And I can't fake the way I feel inside
I don't want you
I don't need you
You've burned me once, but you won't burn me again
Yeah
You mother fucker
You've lost all you loved and all the friends you've made
I picked you up
Gave you another chance to waste
You point your finger at me
But you still won't assume any blame
Think your conspiracy's lead you astray

[Chorus]
Yeah
In these flames you've burned us alive now
You could've been someone
In these flames you've burned us alive now
Now you've left your impression
I think it's coming back again
And I can't fake the way I feel inside
I don't want you
I don't need you
You've burned me once, but you won't burn me again
Yeah

Your misery tears away at your lungs with its sharpest teeth
Your misery has got you down now
You can't come crawling back now running your mouth
I'm sick of all the games
All those years
They seem like yesterday

[Chorus]
Yeah
In these flames you've burned us alive now
You could've been someone
In these flames you've burned us alive now
Now you've left your impression
I think it's coming back again
And I can't fake the way I feel inside
I don't want you
I don't need you
You've burned me once, but you won't burn me again
Yeah"

---

"We can't wait another moment
Our time will come before you know it
With your heart you've got to open up this time

[Chorus]
I don't want to be alone tonight
Am I gonna be tonightless again?
All of the loneliness has got to end
I know the years have been so bittersweet, but you don't have to go so please don't leave

Our souls are lost without each other
We've gotta find time to recover
And if you hold me close this heartache will subside

[Chorus]
I don't want to be alone tonight
Am I gonna be tonightless again?
All of the loneliness has got to end
I know the years have been so bittersweet, but you don't have to go so please don't leave
We'll be tonightless
You know we will
We'll be tonightless again baby
We'll be tonightless"

[All Lyrics Copywrited to Eighteen Visions 2006]

"So let mercy come, and wash away what I've done. I'll face myself to cross out what I've become. Erase myself, and let go of what I've done."

     This is going to be a different sort of entry compared from my usual ones. Gonna be short, bittersweet, and totally unlike me. So for anyone who actually reads all this crap I write, either bear with me or just skip ahead to the next entry (if you're reading this after I make an entry after this one). I can't guarantee that this will make much sense, but I just feel like putting my thoughts down in "ink" as I think of them. So here goes.

    Months....two, three, I don't remember anymore. I've lost perspective and count on them, honestly, they've kinda blended together and ran by me. I've been waiting those said months for something, something that I could truly say that I've been looking forward to. However, I guess one night can change that all around. One night can take the whole world and turn it on it's end on you. Take what you want, what you seek, and wrench it from your grasp and take it far away from you. Even if you worked your ass off to make amends, fix what you did wrong that night, and did your damnedest to show to the person it meant the most to, that it was done. That you would never, and could never, do that again. Not to them, not when they mean as much as they do to you. Then...when that one thing's fate with you is in jeopardy, when it is no longer certain, when it just dangles there outside of your reach, you still are not told to give up. Chin up. Move on. No. You're not informed. Yet you still cling to that last bit of hope, the light at the end of the darkest tunnel in town. Perhaps you still talk about it, as if it were still going to happen. But...you're not told to just get on with life, get over it. It's reinforced in your head, alluding that one day you'll finally have it in your arms, cradling it against you, and thanking your lucky stars that things are finally perfect. Perfect...but there's no such thing as perfect. Not in this situation. And you're brought back to one night, and once again you're forced to realize how much one night can change your world, not always for the better. Sometimes for the worst. Sometimes...you just have to realize that no matter how hard you fight,  no matter how much you cherish something, it just won't happen. It will not come to you. And you'll still be clinging and grasping desperately for that thread of hope. And one night (that seems to be the theme for tonight), that shining thread will be severed, and you'll be dropped into your own personal abyss, blackened and seemingly never ending. The only way you can pull yourself out and over the edge of it all, is to finally realize that it's a fight you can no longer prevail in, perhaps it's just better if you throw in that towel. Not all battles are able to be won, some are nothing but a fight to stay alive. And you'll probably do that, you'll fight with every fiber of your being, every bone in your body, until you cannot muster the energy any further. Or until you just throw in your towel and get to walking.

     I'm sure the one person who can decipher my inane, cryptic rambling will one day read this, and I do not know what they will think of this, or how they would react. But please know...I did not write this out of anger. Never once this night have I been truly "angry", not again after that... one night.

"If we can make it through the landslide standing we'll lift each other up to see the bliss on the horizon. Been looking In from the outside lately ,I've seen who I used to be and it's not me. And we can keep healing and we can keep holding on I just want to take you where our time won't be waste anymore. Through the mountains on the water we'll stay engulfed in one another and when I can wake up to see the sunrise in your eyes and we'll finally be free. I'll know I've made it home so lets go out west and bask in the overcast and walking through the rain we'll see the beauty in life again"

     No work today, so you should know what that means. Class. Honestly though, it was so nice to actually be unconscious until 10:30am today (yes, I know I used to complain of waking up that late before. It all changes when you gotta wake up at the crack of dawn for work). However, I just couldn't pull myself out of bed when I first awoke. For hours, I must have laid there, falling asleep on and off the whole time. Oh well, that's what one does on their days off, I suppose (well, it's what I do on my days off, at least).

     Before class, I had plans to get up, get ready, and head out for a few errands. First, I wanted to get a new album today. Since I have income now, I can actually buy items (within reason), while before I had to be extremely cautious with my money. Upon reaching FYE, I had a few options in albums I wanted.
                * "Road to Bloodshed" - Sanctity
                * "Advance & Vanquish" - 3 Inches of Blood
                * "Fire Up The Blades" - 3 Inches of Blood
For the life of me, I cannot wrap my mind around how FYE prices their CDs. Brand new releases are almost immediately placed on sale, and the older releases are more expensive. "Road To Bloodshed" and "Advance & Vanquish" were both $19, while "Fire Up The Blades" was only $14 (as it was released today, so I had expected it to be on sale). However, as I was perusing the bins of the store, I came across another album outside of those three that I wanted, "Black Sails in the Sunset" by AFI (yes, yes, I know. AFI is totally not in my usual grouping of music that I listen to. But hey, I like some of their stuff). So...I decided to purchase that, after all, I'll probably get something else tomorrow as well after I see 1408.

     On my way home, I decided to stop at Taco Bell and get some of those new Extreme Beef & Cheese quesadillas. In the end, I had ordered three (two for lunch, one to consume after I came home from class). Taco Bell really should stress the practice of speaking CLEARLY to customers. I could not understand the price of my order at all from this woman. The majority of her speech would be normal, but as soon as it came to the price, she slurred it up like drunk at Happy Hour on New Year's Eve. But hey, the food's food. For the whole drive home, my empty stomach was teased by the fumes flowing out of that plastic bag. When I actually got to eat them, they weren't quite what I was expecting, but they were still rather good.

     Let's skip ahead to class, shall we? Another day of problem solving, a rather easy (so far at least) math class. While Mr. Qazi was answering questions over what we learned last week, I ended up completing all of today's assigned sections. So when the end of class finally rolled around, I got to head out early, since I had already completed the in class work (and the homework to boot. Go me). That's nothing new though, I've done that the past two classes as well. What can I say? I like leaving early, and when the work is easy, makes the task that much easier to accomplish. Tomorrow, however, is my Intro to PCs class, which always has two in class labs we have to finish before we leave. I've been doing well completing those quickly and getting out early, I'd like to keep that trend up, I do NOT want to stay there until 10:30pm. That's just too late for my tastes. Oh, and I rather enjoyed the quesadillas cold, more than I did when they were hot. Strange.

     Well, time to wrap it up! Time to spend some time with someone on her birthday. She asked for help with some Runic Portals, and I just couldn't say no. Tomorrow...is a day of the paranormal for me. The day shall begin with a screening of 1408 at 12:30 (so many numbers!), then after I get home from class, a viewing of Ghost Hunters and Destination Truth on SciFi. So until tomorrow...fare thee well.